# Kultura > Letërsia shqiptare > Krijime në gjuhë të huaja >  Philosophies of boys with nothing to lose

## IsiNYC

His back had been arched in that awkward position the whole night.  The cushions had separated from his bodyweight and he was beginning to sink in the space created between them.  Andis eyes were still closed and the idea of opening them filled him with anxiety.  He spun around trying to find comfort but understood that he wasnt going to sleep anymore. Bracing himself for the burning sensation he opened each eye slowly and rubbed them trying to alleviate the discomfort.  
He had been sleeping in Isaks living room for 2 weeks now.  The unplanned move had made him feel like a stranded refugee although Isaks place was 2nd best only to his own apartment.  The room was saturated in lingering cigarette smoke.  The coffee table had fingerprints and ashes that hadnt quite made it into the ashtray scattered all over it.  He leaned over and took a cigarette from an open pack despite knowing he wouldnt enjoy it.  The heavy air of stale smoke was teasing him so he struck a match and lit it, inhaling his first drag of the day.  It was harsh on the throat but so smooth in the chest.  He leaned back and moved to the side, peeling his skin from the leather couch.  
It was 11 in the morning and his stomach was growling.  He looked over towards the bedroom and Isaks door was still closed You up? he asked after leaning in   - Yeah, pes minuta 
Isak walked out of his room - cranky, in routine morning fashion.  He was a grouch and not very talkative at this hour, unless of course, hed have a visitor spend the night, in which case hed forcibly crack a half smile at her comments.


<continued>

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## IsiNYC

<continued>

In "Slowness" Milan Kundera argues that the world is falling victim to speed.  Everyone is constantly rushing, cars are faster and speeding, fast food restaurants are spurning up everywhere replacing traditional ones and the "to go" option isn't limited only to food.  

_"Why has the pleasure of slowness disappeared? Ah, where have they gone, the amblers of yesteryear? Where have they gone, those loafing heroes of folk song, those vagabonds who roam from one mill to another and bed down under the stars? Have they vanished along with footpaths, with grasslands and clearings, with nature?"_ |Kundera

-"To Valentinos?" asked Andi
-"Yeah"

Hollywood Cafe was previously named Valentinos Cafe.  It kept that name for 8 years before recently changing it to Hollywood, although the regular customers could not bring themselves to call it "Hollywood".  It looks cheap, the service is bad and the espressos (their coffee of choice) lack consistency in color and taste.
Its the perfect place to unwind without expecting to run into anyone you know except for the daily patrons that walk into the place.

-"Si flejte?"
-"Mu be kurrizi cope."
-"You wanna get an air mattrass?"
-"Nah...thats money that can go on a perfectly good drink..... why waste it!" Andi exclaimed with a smirk on his face.
Isak laughed....while trying to add sugar to his coffee without spilling it (he always managed to drop some on the table).

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## IsiNYC

It had been months that the two had made a habit of going out nightly.  Brooklyn had been rejuvinated by the influx of eastern European emigres, notably, the Russians, who all shared a taste for the extravagant.  Bars and lounges had opened up and continued to close and resurrect themselves to appeal to the forever changing tastes of their capricious clientele.  

After having spent the better part of the day at Valentinos, Isak had suggested they go have dinner at Anyway Cafe.  There are two Anyway Cafes in Brooklyn one on Neck Road and the other at Manhattan Beach 5 minutes apart from eachother. This is odd considering that an owner of such a business goes for variety to cater to tastes rather than duplicating the same establishment in such close proximity.  Anyway cafe has a retro look borrowing aspects of the 20's 30's and 40's saloon look and incorporating it with dark polished wood chairs tables and bar.  The room is tiled in checkered black and white tiles adding to the feel of the era mentioned above.  Besides its signature look, Anyway Cafe provides live entertainment nightly from 10 till 1 ranging from a lone pianist to a two man jazz & rock session.  The music is always in good taste and never loud enough to interfere with conversations.  The food is excellent and so are the drinks and whenever financially able, the guys visited for a nice meal and a good bottle of wine.

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## IsiNYC

- "Ti hochesh kushajt?"
- "Sorry, I don't speak Russian"
- " Oh, are you eating?" asked the waitress while extending two menus towards them, unwaivered by her mistaken assumption of their nationalities.
-"Yeah, but we don't need the menus. Let me get a glass of Kvanchkara, and the skirt steak - well done"
-"Whats the Russian burger?" Andi asked puzzled while running his index finger by the very menu that had just been denied.
- "Its a burger with tomatoes and lettuce, cheese and fried potato shavings on the side" said the waitress
-"Whats Russian about that?" 
The waitress shrugged, not willing to participate in the conversation and asked: "Would you like the Russian burger?"
-"Umm... No....Can I just have a regular burger with cheese tomatos and the fries" 
She took his menu and began to walk away after scribbling on her pad.
Knowing full well he'd just ordered the "Russian Burger" Andi raised his voice and said "....and get me a glass of Kvanchkara too" 

Smiling he turns to Isak and begins to laugh loudly.

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## Fiori

I like the background of the tale. Interesting topic as well, for guys can be almost as interesting as girls when it comes to "the philosophy of anything" "dhe pike"Yet nothing new and appealing so far. 

I'm glad to read your scrambles in this part of the forum.

Welcome

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## IsiNYC

fiori, thanx for the compliments.....dhe miresejugjeta

I am glad to know that anyone enjoys reading my whims.

the philosophies, i suppose, will come once the foundation is set to make them appealing.

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## Undefined

> I like the background of the tale. Interesting topic as well, for guys can be almost as interesting as girls when it comes to "the philosophy of anything" "dhe pike"Yet nothing new and appealing so far. 
> 
> I'm glad to read your scrambles in this part of the forum.
> 
> Welcome


Fiori seriously! i dont understand the reason why you wasted your time reading these "scrambles" as you called these writings "administratore !!!"... Everyone is unique in his/her own way...if u cant get the philosophy you just can't...your problem!!!  so u admit it that these writings are interesting/appealing cause u are waiting for something to happen! wake up...its real life...not fictions! 


Well, personally, i enjoyed reading your writings..., Nice IsiNYC, they sound so real...and appealing...
Suksese!

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## IsiNYC

Isak's eyes were locked on the entrance.  His fork moved mechanically towards his mouth creating a strange image of a machine-like creature.  Andi attempted to turn, curious to see what he was missing but was abruptly stopped by:
- "Mos u kthe"
- "Eshte Ela?"
- "Yea....eshte me ate Ku&^en"
She passed by their table and kissed each one on the cheek.  An obvious uncomofortability surrounded them as she stood there conversating on behalf of civility.
- "Ohhh look at you guys, you went all out ehh...bottle of wine, dinner....  4 years and I only got this on occassions" she said with a sarcastic smile, addressing Isak
- " Yeah, well, you know Andi always had a special place in my heart!" he said while winking, knowing full well that there was alot of honesty in her statement despite her trying to pass it off as a joke.

Their meetings had become a perpetual chess game.  Both were aware of the damage done by their encounters.  However, there was a contant craving beyond anyone's understanding to run into each other.  It was a tip of the hat, a hello of sorts.  It was healthy voyeurism masqueraded into accidental encounters.  In the 4 years they spent together, they had never reached this peak of sexuality as they had during these last 8 months apart.

After some small talk she left the table, defeated, although, her head never bowed.  She had the pride of an Albanian highlander, never wavering.  She had learned something during those 4 years afterall.  Her eyes gazed with ardour during his frequent lectures.  He had the ability to inspire her.

Making sure she had disappeared well into the crowded bar, Andi raised his glass with a smile, as if to toast the favorable outcome of the event.

-"You know....you raise your glass to celebrate something but even if I didn't give her the satisfaction she wanted, i still feel sh!tty! ..... its a lose lose for me man...you don't get it"
-"If you couldn't have it your way, you may as well keep your pride and your wits.  Why give in to her?  Why become her safety net as she walks a tightrope without you?  It isn't supposed to be that way.  It shouldn't be that if no one better comes along she can always turn to Isak"
-"Hey man, don't make me sound like an absued housewife.  I'm not sitting wainting for her to come back. Excuse me....check please"

Isak wanted to leave.  The food was finished, so was the wine and he knew that without something to occupy him the night was going to turn sour quickly.  She commanded attention, and she usually got it.  She was often approached while out and he had seen it happen on numerous occasions.  This time however, he chose to leave, aware that the night was too young to ruin with the jealous tendencies that took over him in such events.

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## IsiNYC

-"Te Miami?" 
-"Ok"

Isak knew that Miami Lounge was the next reasonable place to go to.  It was their spot.  They had _earned_ the name "Absolut Redbull", it was no coincidence.  In the last 2 months they had practically paid Miami's rent with the amount of money spent there.  It was impossible for her to follow them there that night, it would have been utter surrender on her part, something he knew was impossible.

In the car Isak put on an upbeat song as if to say "...see, I'm fine." He was well aware, however, that it was a weak disguise for a friend that new him so well. Both lit their cigarettes and stayed silent for most of the ride, comfortably withdrawn into their own worlds.

It was a cool night but Isak was still sweating.  The feelings brewing inside of him, mixed with the wine brought forth a cool sweat.  'There she goes...' he thought, 'Its you baby... - ...you're leaving' suggesting that the perspiration was her departing from inside of him.  He leaned back and raised his head slightly upwards, raising his nose towards the roof of the car, took a pull from his cigarette and tried to fill the emptiness he dreamed was created by her sweaty farewell.  Exhale.  A swirling clowd of smoke surrounded him, dancing around his face. It moved seductively about him, leaving its sent on his clothes his car seats his hair and his body.  She was still there.

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## DeLiRiUm TrEmEnS

> I like the background of the tale. Interesting topic as well, for guys can be almost as interesting as girls when it comes to "the philosophy of anything" "dhe pike"Yet nothing new and appealing so far. 
> 
> I'm glad to read your scrambles in this part of the forum.
> 
> Welcome



Where is the "tale"?! The philosophy of "some" girls is that they are always looking to find the pleasure as soon as they can, the "philosophy of boys" (our own philosophy) is to keep hanging around, indiferently, as nothing is happening; ... and that's what he is doing. ... Simply, nothing to lose.

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## IsiNYC

He found himself on a grand staircase, the type they have in front of court rooms, museums and government buildings.  There were columns that rose up high -seemingly forever.  They were enormous in girth, making Isak feel like an ant in comparison to the structure.  About a half dozen people were climbing the staircase, looking at him with the same puzzled look as he did them.  Anxiety flowed through his veins with such a surge that he felt he was going to explode..  He climbed to the surface which resembled a veranda in black and white checkered tiles.  He had dressed up for the occasion, having chosen his best suit (the navy blue pinstriped one).

"Welcome!" she said, seeing her visitors finally make it up the stairs.  She was alone in the large landing like a chess piece on an empty board sitting in her wheelchair.  She was old, about 70 or 75.  Her aura resonated affluence through her speech and her feeble hand motions.  Isak, turned to see the stairs one more time and wondered how she moved in and out of her property. She began to speak to the group, although, for that moment he couldn't  quite hear what she was saying.  It was as if he was submerged in a pool of water and the voices came from the surface.  Even his vision had become somewhat blurry.  With difficulty he tried to gather himself as the guests began moving, following the wheelchair into her home.  

They entered a large room that resembled a study which was partially lit, illuminating only the area where they were standing causing the walls to be invisible.  The lady spoke to each person before turning to Isak.  She extended her arm and asked, "Can you find it?"  He began to fidget, as uncertainty took over him.  "What is it?" he thought, "Is it a family heirloom? Is this why she gathered everyone here. To collect her belongings? The lady extended her arm once again, this time holding a check.  "I know you can" she said as he unfolded it and marveled at the amount.  "That is per month." she exclaimed with no irony in her voice.   He glanced at the check once again and thought  " 42 thousand dollars a month"  as his fear of incompetence began to set in.  He thought about the sum once again and gathered his courage;  "I'll get it" he replied with a faux-tone of confidence.  

She approached Isak and introduced him to one of the visitors.  "He will accompany you" she said, pointing at a man who was of medium height and weight and looked foreign.  He carried an awkward looking bag on his shoulders and was carrying multiple electronic devices with him.  "I will navigate" the man said with a thick accent the rest is up to you .  His gadgets were GPS tracking devices and cellular phones and the man seemed to press a button on virtually all of them at one point or another.  He looked like a man playing a piano whose keys had been scattered all over the room.
-------------
The 2 sat in the car in downtown Manhattan  in a small side road by Wall Street.  "He will be here in about 10 minutes" the Navigator said.  He will get out of his car and go into that building there.  Isak saw his gestures and heard his words but paid no attention as he was  deep in his own thoughts - swimming in his own fears.  He opened the door of his car and stepped out of the passengers seat.  He practiced what he would say as he knelt by the side of the car smoking a cigarette.   A black car pulled up exactly 10 minutes after the Navigator informed him.  A large chubby man with brown thinning hair stepped out accompanied by 2 escorts.  "That is him, That is HIM quickly!" the Navigator exclaimed! The man was wearing a beige raincoat, typical of a Manhattan businessman.  There were 2 men in dark suits accompanying him.

"Excuse me, sir, excuse me" Isak approached the man and his entourage.
"Who are you?" Asked the man, with panic in his eyes as his bodyguards reached inside their jackets.
"I just want to ask you about this" Isak took out a photo of what he was shown back at the home.
"What about it?" asked the man as he continued walking
"I need to get this from you, its an important heirloom to my employer, she would be willing to compensate you for it"  Isak new that she hadnt offered to pay, but he wanted to find out how much it would cost for the man to be willing to part with it.
"Its not for sale" the man said as he continued his stampede towards a gray building.
"Everything is for sale sir, Ill pay anything"  Isak was eager to get the man to respond with any kind of price.  It would acknowledge that he would sell it although completely overpriced.
"This..." the man said while pulling it out of his isnside pocket, "....is not for sale"
The gold medallion was looped on a chain and was in need of a polish.  It was understood that for both parties it had more sentimental than financial value.  A colorful feather was attached to it.  It was odd, unlike anything he had ever seen before. He pondered on the difficulty of taking away something of sentimental value from someone.  Especially someone who didnt look like he was in need of money. He needed to make a bold move.

  Isak pulled out his check from inside his pocket and held it with both hands from opposite ends.
A trade he told the man as they approached the building door.  He was eager to show his employer that he was a good choice.  He wanted to show his potency as a negotiator with a fast recovery of the item. So in an instant he had thought of the check in his pocket. This would be the quickest way to put an end to this issue.  He would sacrifice his first paycheck to prove himself.  As he held it out, the man exclaimed 42 thousand dollars? in awe that someone can offer that type of money in an instant for something that couldnt be valued more that $2,000 - $3,000 by a jeweler.  Seeing the mans reaction, he had second thoughts about giving him the full check.  He knew half would have gotten him to his goal but there was no time for complicated exchanges

-Hand me what I want and Ill hand you the check, the full $42,000
-OK

He felt the object touch his palm and smiled. Success was euphoric, he longed for it.


                                                         *   *   * 
Isak leaned over  and looked at the time.  It was 5 45 in the morning.  The roof of his mouth and his tongue felt like they had gotten stuck together by some sort of adhesive.   The alcohol had deyhdrated him and he needed water. He stumbled over to the refrigerator drank and took the bottle with him to his room.  He had been dreaming and uncharacteristically remembered every event.  He could still taste the vodka and Redbull in his mouth.  Tired, he crashed into the bed again.

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## IsiNYC

Every year, the natural transition of seasons incites them to quarrel for our senses. Autumn, the most dreaded of seasons is at our threshold as summer like a peacock flaunts her array of merits for the last time. When he was younger, Isak often wondered if summer felt bad leaving (or any season for that matter). Was that the reason she always tried so hard to leave an unforgettable impression. Almost like saying "Please don't forget me....", or was that simply his inclination of avoiding change and become sentimental towrads everything that ends, even that which should, such as a season.

The summer sun shone its bright rays in the morning, and the autumn breeze danced seductively through the air. There was beauty in the sky. Two seasons intertwined in perfect unison like lovers kissing goodbye. Isak looked ahead and saw the future attempting to restrain the melancholy of nostalgia touching his face.

-"Hello.  Anna?"
-"Whats up?  Where are you?"
-"Valentinos.  Meet me here."
-"OK.  Give me about 10 minutes."

------------------

Isak had ordered his second espresso and was finishing the sports section of the newspaper as his friend finally arrived.  She sat across from him and pulled up a second chair to place her handbag on.  The waitress entered and took her order as Anna pulled the newspaper closer to her to read the headline and pushed it aside as if to show hear readiness to finally speak to him.

- "You look good!" he said to her as he put on his signature smile.
- "Thank you!" she said, knowing well not to read too much into it.
- "Where's Andi"
- "He is sleeping, I couldn't wake him up.  He's hung over from last night"
- "Where did you guys go?" she asked, as she grinned at thought of Andi being hung over once again.
- "We ate at Anyway and Ela showed up so I decided to leave.  We ended up at Miami.....its all history after that"  he said laughing.
- "He's inducting you into the Drunkards Hall of Fame" she said  "Be careful!"
- "Nah, don't worry - you know I know when I've had enough.  Although, last night I definately had ENOUGH!"  he said while laughing.  
- "I had a really weird dream last night" she said
- "Thats funny....me too - I was actually hoping to see what you think of it."
- "Tell me!"
- "I was climbing up some stairs to a mansion and an old lady shows me a picture of a gold charm with a feather on it and tells me to find it.  She was supposed to pay me $42 thousand a month" he said laughing.  "It was unbelievably surreal, I felt so anxious during the whole dream and at the end I finally find the charm and give up the whole first pay check to get it....and the dream is over.  I have no idea what any of that could possibly mean.
- "It was a charm you said?" Anna asked
- "Yeah, I mean, thats the best way I can describe it, it was some sort of medallion or gold piece hanging on a chain as well as a colorful feather attached to the chain.  Thats what comes to mind, a _charm_."
-  "Thats fairly simple!" she said, "The dream represented your desire to regain your charm.  You gave everything you had to get it.  You also had a desire to prove your worth.  Not wanting to fail is what created the tension in the dream.  You wanted to show that you have value, that you are capable and at the same time you feel you have lost your charm, a part of your character.  It is all a subconscious effort to reaffirm your old self."  

She said this without considering the true implications of her words.  The issue did not lie in her interpretation of the dream.  She was distinctively keen in her answer.  It was the words chosen in her interpretation however, that spoke the loudest.  To say _'regain'_ while referring to charm implied that he once had it and lost it - a suggestion that pointed blame to his past relationship.

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## IsiNYC

- "....at least tragedy has made you a better writter" she said, implying that she had visited his no-longer secret website where he made entries.
- "I never set out to become a writter darling, furthermore, I think tragedy has impeded my writting......turning me into an idiot obsessing over scenarios and situations that were completely out of my reach.....I didn't want your tragedy."
- "It was you who found it tragic.....you refused to look at the good times we had together....."
- "We were tragic you and I Ela, .....tragic"
- "You know....I don't see a need for this." She said attempting to walk the high ground knowing well she had sparked a fire. "I came to pick up my mail and I just asked if you wanted to get a coffee.....thats all" 
- "...and I said NO.....but you didn't want to leave it alone.  And here we go again..." he said with a sense of agitation in his voice.  "....here we go, you said I said all over again......F#CK this....I'll see you around Ela..." and he began to walk away

She stood there, her eyes swelling as tears began to crawl out of her eyelids, trying hard not to make a sound as he walked away.  His steps got longer, her crying became more laborious, creating a sound that pierced his soul.  She was seducing him with tears.

-"Why do you cry?" he asked while turning around and walking back, with an attmpt to be harsh, however, unable to control the affection in his voice. "This is what you wanted....there's nothing left for you and me baby.....nothing" She sobbed with guilt, and it was this Jackyl and Hyde performance that he no longer had a taste for.  

-"There's nothing left?" she asked while sobbing.  "Nothing? After 4 years.....this it, you can say that to me? You said I was beautiful and that you loved me" she pleaded.  "No one gives a f#ck about me, no one cares, you kept your friends, who do I have, who?" she said, knowing well she had abandoned her friends. "...don't you find me attractive?"

He looked at her, and normally while his heart would have been hurting forcing him to hold her, he felt disguist.  'Can she really see it this way?' he thought.  'How can her view be so scewed from everyone else's?'  

-"...whats left of us, Ela?" he asked.  "Attraction?  With all that you have done, with everything you've said, with al....." he stuttered out of anger, and calmly finished with ".....there are many pretty girls around....." as he  cupped her cheek and wiped away her tear with his thumb.  He kissed her forehead and walked away feeling her sobs shake him like an earthquake.

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## Leila

I never really look at the changing list of members who celebrate their birthday, but I'll tell you... when I do, I always find someone who's left some sort of impression in me, no matter how teensy it is. And then I think what is the probability of this happening EVERY time I look at the list? I'm sure I don't know this many people. But I take a chance anyway and assume it would happen every day if I bothered to look that often. This leads to my other concern -- who knows how many others I've missed because I don't look at it more frequently? Well, I can't have a recurring impression every day for all 356 of them... or can I? Apparently I do. I have a better memory than I give myself credit for. 

It just so happened that the day I looked at the list was on your birthday. There was no new thread for you anywhere where different people could just copy/paste the same birthday wish they wrote in the thread/theme next to yours, so I waited a day... and nothing happened. What I wanted to say was happy birthday and I remember you. I especially remember you from 4-5 years ago. You had a white car you were so proud of. Oh no... that probably wasn't your car and the pride could have been there just out of determination to remember yourself in a positive way (it worked! for me, anyway). You took a picture with it at a wedding and I assumed it was yours. Was it a wedding? There I go doubting my memory again. I recognized you by your name and then your eyes. Well, how about it? Happy birthday and I remember you. 

P.S.: Now this Andi wouldn't be an Andi Si**, would it? Maybe I should have started the post this way.

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## oiseau en vol

> Well, I can't have a recurring impression every day for all 356 of them... or can I? Apparently I do. I have a better memory than I give myself credit for.


Nooo, nooo, cried the true man. It's not true. You have not a better memory than you give yourself credit for : A year has 365 days and not 356 :p

Uffffaaaaaa... mezi e mbarova nje fjali anglisht, gjysma e kopjuar bile :D

Leila, te pershendes, thjesht kalova kendej te te shoh si vete, mire me dukesh :)

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## IsiNYC

A white car hmmm
It would have been the wedding limo
My car at the time was beige and unmistakably ugly!  

Thank you for your birthday wishes!  They are sincerely appreaciated.  Although I have no recollection of you from years ago, I have noticed your entries in "A litany...." for the past few months and you've made a fan of me for quite some time now! 


P.S. ...he certainly is the same Andi you're referring to =)

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## Leila

Isi, eshte i njejti thua? :D Dmth doli nga ushtria and all that nonsense... s'desha qe ai te shkonte (don't worry, I'm not an ex). S'besoj se ti do me mbaje mend, por ai patjeter duhet se dikur we shared the same name. :)

Salut oiseau, (kur te them zog, ndihet sikur po te llastoj... pak rendesi ka fakti qe DUHET te te therras sipas pseudonimit), kur shoh numra me vishen syte si... c'est une sorte de glazur&#235; :D Je regrette, mais je ne comprends pas les nombres, pik&#235;!... lol Mon dieu, mais que pourrait dire Sartre? Quel dommage, non? :) Prends garde!

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## IsiNYC

hmmm shared a name.....  I should have an idea of who you are now....  I have to run it by him ...he should be able to confirm it.

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## IsiNYC

Months had passed.
Andi had moved back to his apartment and was going out less spending much of his time with a Valerie.  Anna had fallen in love with her hairdresser and I, I had Isak. He worked long hours but we managed spend alot of time together.  

"Is it possible to be lonely and not know it" he asked me once.  
"I don't know" i told him and I didn't.  I would watch him sometimes, seated in a cafe smoking and blowing clouds of melancholy, his eyes fixed somwhere in the invisible distance giving the impression that he saw through you.  
"Are you lonely?"
"I don't know.  I hardly have time to get everything done, I run home from work try to run and then go out for an hour.  I don't have enough time for anything, but it dawned on me.  Is it possible to be lonley and know know it?  I always wanted to be left alone and not be botherd, but thats just it, I want _someone_ to leave me alone!" he smiled relaizing the irony in what he had just said.  "I know that sounds like bull$hit, but its real.  I don't know how else to put it"

Loneliness is a disease of the worst kind.  Its a feeling that creeps up on you cautiously and begins to dig a hole somewhere in the depths of your chest.  Once the hole has been completed it uses it as a foundation to build a house and before you know it after many months of not being satisfied you wake up one morning with loneliness sleeping next you.  Isak was not satisfied.  He felt a hole being dug in his chest.  He tried to burn it out but all the smoke traveling to his chest would come right back out.  He searched for the hole, running his hand over his chest, closing his eyes and looking inside he even spoke to it.  He would write what he thought in a piece of paper and read it. All the vodka he had drank hadn't worked either.  The hole remained.   

(to be cont.)

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## IsiNYC

-"You are an artist" she told him.
-"Get the fu_k outta here" he said smiling and turning away, truly flattered.
-"I'm no artist.  I am an average guy with a job who thinks way more than he should. My analyzing is my tormentor Anna, not my gift."
-"Artists are usually tormented by their gift"
-"True, but who does my thinking benefit.  An artist creates something beautiful for people to see hear or read. What social elevation do my thoughts create.  They are simply my tormentor they hold no benefit for others nor for me.  Life would be simple had we all been Fiona." She laughed having been reminded of their mutual friend who 3 months away from her wedding had been dumped by her fiance and while her tears hadn't yet dried she had managed to find another partner whom she is still with.
-"We all want to be Fiona, but we don't" she said without further explanation.
-"This..." referring to his endless analyzing "...becomes a burden to a lover eventually.  It's a turnoff. Do you think its possible to shut it off, to just live and let things be without trying to understand them"
-"I don't know....I don't think so"
-"You know Andi had a religion professor who he used to talk about often.  He taught history of religion - where they spurned and how they grew.  He pointed out the institutionalization of every religion and how it had progressively moved further and further away from spiritality.  No religion was spared - Jews, Christians, Muslims, Hinds, Buddhists and so on.  Yet he himself was a devout Catholic. So Andi asked him, how is it that he can view religion's progression and see it as distinctively undivine and still follow Catholicism wholeheartedly.  The professor said, If he were a surgeon he wouldn't operate on his wife had she needed it. The experience would have been repulsive. Likewise, he didn't analyze his relgion, he had made a conscious decision to accept it as it is.  That has stayed in my mind since Andi first told me.  Maybe its best we don't really look so deep into things and just live life as it comes."
-"Mindlessness is a crime all to itself.  There is beauty in this, you know being conscious of who you are"
-"But I don't know who I am.  The deeper I dig, the less I know.  Its like with every inquiry I get a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that doesn't fit with any of the the other pieces collected.  The more you find out about yourself the further away you go from the whole.  I will never know myself as you know me. We're inclined to see ourselves by what other project.  When Socrates asked Meno what the definition of virtue was Meno responded by giving him examples of a virtuousity much to Socrates' displeasure as he explained that parts of something do not give you a grasp of the whole.    This is how we are to ourselves, we will always see the pieces but never the whole.  I will never know myself as I know you."

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